one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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