thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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