got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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