She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You need a sexual gate keeper
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
