Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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