A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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