Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
