Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
