My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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