just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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