dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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