Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
