That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
