sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
