i used baking grease as lip gloss
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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