I am in a vortex of obligation.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
