i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
