i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
