where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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