Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
