i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
