I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
