Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
