Cold hands, warm shart.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
