Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
