It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
