Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
