Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
