I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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