im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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