But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
