so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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