Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
