I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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