so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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