I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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