im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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