I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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