My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
