You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
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It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
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there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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