she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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