The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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