Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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