my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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