I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
