He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
