I just made out with a guy for $7.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
