she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
