So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Damn victory sex feels great
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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