Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
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He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
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Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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