Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
