Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
