I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
