I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
