Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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