We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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