An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
